Eastbound & Down Quotes

…Jon Lovitz

kennyp55admin — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:57:26 +0000

Texas Closer: Hey beautiful.

Girls in Bar: Are you talkin’ to me?

Texas Closer: No, I’m talkin’ to your friend Jon Lovitz over here.

F*ck yes, I’m talkin’ to you. What’s happenin’?

…what’chu you know about money, girl

kennyp55admin — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:57:07 +0000

Texas Closer: What’chu you know about money, girl?

Girls in Bar: We should go.

Texas Closer: Okay, ladies let me just break it down for you okay, before you make yourselves look any stupider. I’m a closer pitcher for Texas, girl. And I close than more ways than just on the mound.

…single swingin’ bachelor

kennyp55admin — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:55:34 +0000

Kenny Powers: It’s f*ckin’ awesome. Finally sh*t’s back to normal. I’m once again a single, thick d*cked, swingin’ bachelor with no dumb baggage to f*ckin’ carry me down.

Thank you Christ for allowing all this awesome stuff to happen.

…get baby hard to

kennyp55admin — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:54:57 +0000

Stevie Janowski: If you want Maria and I can do some re-decorating, maybe swap out some of these hot babes for some new hot babes, that way when Toby comes back to visit he’s got some new sh*t to get baby hard to.

Kenny Powers: I wouldn’t hold your breath on that. The kid’s gone. The sooner we accept that, the better we’ll be. As soon as we get this nursery changed back into my dojo I can get my sh*t f*ckin’ ripped again.

…lives in a bowl

kennyp55admin — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:54:18 +0000

Kenny Powers: Holy sh*t. It’s Spurgeon the hermit crab.

Stevie Janowski: Who lives in a f*ckin’ bowl. He must be getting high as f*ck.

…BJ slash HJ

kennyp55admin — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:53:55 +0000

Kenny Powers: What do you want to do? Offer your franchise star player a blowjob slash handjob for savin’ your stinky ass?

…goodbye Coach Banks

kennyp55admin — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:53:27 +0000

Kenny Powers: Now that Ivan f*ckin’ sucks I’m the logical choice.

Coach Banks: I’ve been wanting to kick your old, worthless *ss off my team for such a long time.

Kenny Powers: Well, I look forward to never seein’ your wrinkly f*ckin’ face again either.

Coach Banks: F*ck you, you fat f*ckin’ honky.

Kenny Powers: F*ck you too, you black d*cklicker.

Coach Banks: You sh*t slicker.

Kenny Powers: F*ck you.

Coach Banks: F*ck you, and your momma too.

Kenny Powers: I hope you get AIDS.

Coach Banks: Bye, bye motherf*cker.

…school shooting

kennyp55admin — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:52:21 +0000

Kenny Powers: Everybody be cool. This isn’t a school shooting it’s something far more fantastic.

…breakup that counts

kennyp55admin — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:51:59 +0000

Kenny Powers: That breakup wasn’t real. Sure you betrayed me and my party, but that breakup was spoken in anger. I’m sorry for that. Didn’t count.

Andrea: It didn’t?

Kenny Powers: No. This is the breakup that counts.

…popped that cherry

kennyp55admin — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:51:38 +0000

Kenny Powers: I know alotta you guys are lookin’ at me and sayin’ “hey, there’s a dude who’s exactly my same age.”

Truth be told, I’m a grown up real person. Sure your bodies might be tight. You might like to have sex in amazing, cool, intricate positions, but besides that sh*t, ya’ll don’t have a f*ckin’ clue.

Sh*t ya’ll are doing, the f*ckin’ facebook sh*t, the internets, the f*ckin’ DVDs, that’s all bullsh*t. You’re sh*t isn’t real.

But from where I’m standin’, a full grown man, who has achieved his dreams. Yeah, that’s right, I’m goin’ back to the majors. My sh*t is about as real as it gets.

Besides, I can out party, out drink, and out f*ck each of you. Youth can suck my d*ck.

So unless you have anything to add, then consider this relationship over.

Have a nice life. I’ll never forget you. And I know you won’t forget me, because I popped that cherry. That’s right, tore it out for all you young guys.