…Blacky

Kenny Powers: I’m gonna throw you a Hail Mary right now.

If there’s anything that can turn your mood baby, its this, my good friend Blacky would like to take you anywhere you want to go.

(Kenny pulls out a black American Express card)

Wash away your worries and go hang out with Blacky.

…rollerskating nerd

Kenny Powers: So let’s walk that one through.

So we get divorced, I split, and then we get another jackoff to come in here and support the whole entire family like I do. That sounds great.

How about this rollerskating nerd right here?

…divorce is for losers

Kenny Powers: Divorce is for losers April. We’re not not losers.

This is a wonderful day.

…libido

Kenny Powers: I hate to say it, but maybe she just sucks.

Maybe I just married somebody who sucks.

Honestly I’m just gettin’ sick and tired of all the head games, man.

The witholdings of affection, and skin colored panties she has with the skidmarks with busted elastic.

I mean, that’s like a middle finger to my libido.

You know what libido is?

Toby: No.

Kenny Powers: It’s like these little beans inside of you that make you horny.

Cause ladies can’t push the man around. You gotta be number one in the house. You understand me?

…chains of suburbia

(Dakota barks)

Kenny Powers: Oh, I feel you Dakota.

A wild animal stuck in the chains of suburbia.

Reminds me of me.

…twink

Candy Cox: I have a friend in San Francisco that used to date you.

Kenny Powers: It’s no big surprise.

I toured through my fair share of ladies when I did my time in San Fran.

Candy Cox: Except it was a dude.

He said you was a twink man.

Guy Young: Kenny you were a twink man?

Kenny Powers: No, I don’t like young handsome dudes, alright.

Guy Young: You like ’em a little older?

Kenny Powers: No, no. I don’t like any.

…ovulation

Kenny Powers: Everyone settle down.

I know what Candy’s problem is. Candy’s on her period.

I see all these house flies buzzin’ around. I’m thinkin’ they can smell those eggs bleedin’ out your pussy.

(audience boos loudly)

Ovulation is nature’s only miracle.

…homosexuals on this show

Candy Cox: F*ckin’ c*ck gobbler.

Kenny Powers: Hey!

We don’t make fun of homosexuals on this show. That’s rule one, ok?

Gay’s the new blacks. Get with it.

…the one with the c*ck

Kenny Powers: Come on you motherf*cker, don’t be rattled.

Man, you got this sh*t.

Candy Cox. Of course they’ll laugh. They’re just being f*ckin’ kind to her ass. Comin’ out here twerkin’.

F*ckin’ that broad comedy. F*ck that bitch.

You’re the one with the c*ck bro. You’re the one with the c*ck. Use the f*ckin’ c*ck.

You f*ckin’ go out there. You be confident, man. The audience is lovin’ your f*ckin’ vibe, bro.

Just f*ckin’ harness that.

Just f*ckin’ irradiate coolness. F*ckin’ calmness. Sexual energy. Masculinity.

You are handsome, you are loved, and you are strong.

…boob job

Stevie Janowski: I got Maria sellin’ baked potatoes like nobody’s business.

Kenny Powers: What did I tell you? I said the only girls that can be working here have got to be hot chicks, man.

Stevie Janowski: Yeah, but you didn’t specify which hot chicks.

And I gotta pay for Maria’s new boob job somehow.

Kenny Powers: Maria got a boob job?

I didn’t even notice, I don’t look at her in a sexual manner. Ever.

Stevie Janowski: Show him. Show him.

Make daddy proud.

Kenny Powers: Impressive. Not bad. Kinda evens you out a little bit.