Chapter 24

…tinsel town

Kenny Powers: Holy sh*t! I killed it in there!

April Powers: You were awesome!

Stevie Janowski: Your quips were sensational, Kenny.

Kenny Powers: Yo tinsel town, show business better look out, cause I’m comin’ for ya’.


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…wet lady Powers

Stevie Janowski: Hey April did your p*ssy get wet in there? I know if I had a p*ssy it’d be wet as sh*t.

I’d be like squirtin’. (makes squirting noises, pointing with hands)

Kenny Powers: Stevie why are you talking about my wife’s private parts?

Stevie Janowski: Oh, well… No… I’m sorry, I apologize lady Powers.

Kenny Powers: Don’t call her lady Powers, just call her April, man.

Don’t ruin this celebratory moment, with being shameful and vulgar.


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…punch something

Stevie Janowski: I’m just so excited! I haven’t felt this good in so long!

I just want to… I just want to punch something!

Ha, ha, ha.

(punches out car window)


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…worry about money

Kenny Powers: Children, raise your 5-Alives.

Cause of my amazing television efforts and my new found relationship with show business, we never have to worry about money again.


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…dime bags and Garbage Pail Kids

Kenny Powers: Picture the future. You’re both entering high school.

While the other dumb dumbs are there sellin’ dime bags and tradin’ Garbage Pail Kids cards, you’ll be polishin’ your Porsches, ridin’ your horses, hangin’ out with the preps, with the sweaters loosely tied around your necks.

Let the memories of this patriarch begin now.


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…giving of the gifts

Kenny Powers: And now for the giving of the gifts.

April Powers: Gifts?

Kenny Powers: That’s right. I bought everyone a small token to commemorate this amazing moment for our family.


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…Fair Trade candle

Kenny Powers: That’s a Fair Trade candle.

We now can afford to buy products that are made the right way.


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…Louis Vuitton

Kenny Powers: Little shorty’s got back.

A Louis V backpack, that is.

April Powers: That’s a mighty big gift for her.

Kenny Powers: Oh, yes. several grand in fact.


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…Craig’s List Indian

Kenny Powers: Meet Dakota. I got him from a Craig’s List Indian.

April Powers: Is that a real wolf?

Kenny Powers: Pure bred. That’s what the red man told me.

There’s no paperwork or anything cause of their goddamn oral traditions, but.

Seems legit to me.


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…perfect gift for Toby

April Powers: You know, I’m not so sure this is a good gift for a 5 year old.

Kenny Powers: What are you talkin’ about April?

This is a perfect gift for Toby.

With my new high paying television job I’m not going to be around the house as much as I’d like to be so its very important that Toby has a strong male role model so he doesn’t turn out weird.

Dakota’s gonna serve as his spirit guide.

(wolf snarls and barks)

Kenny Powers: Hey! You watch yourself, motherf*cker.


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