…a homosexual person

Kenny Powers: That’s not really called for… I’m not going to race you, bro.

Car Driver: Oh come on bro, are you scared?

Kenny Powers:Nope, I have no intentions upon breaking the law today.

Car Driver: Hey buddy, check it out.

Kenny Powers:Real nice. Put that badonkadonk away. That does not make me want to race you.

Car Driver: Faggot!

Kenny Powers:I am not. A homosexual person. You are.

…walked away from celebrity

Kenny Powers: Actually, you know what sir, I don’t do that kind of stuff anymore.

I walked away from celebrity a long time ago, and I no longer take pictures. So, that part of my life is over.

…Ford Focus

Kenny Powers: Yeah, no.

You’re paying for the rental of a Ford Focus, not a picture of a man.

…a man who won

Kenny Powers Narration: This is a story of a man who won.

By choosing love over fame, fortune, and countless adventures, I’d proven that my heart was true.

I’d proven that I was a man who could face any peril. And f*ckin’ crush it in the name of love.

When I rolled back the stone and rose like the mighty phoenix, there were some who couldn’t process the uncut majestry of the event.

And there were some that decided to trump up bullsh*t fraudulent life insurance claim charges against me. But I couldn’t be phased.

And ultimately I was rewarded with the hand of my true love in matrimony.

I was rewarded with the birth of a gorgeous daughter. And life began to take on a beautiful rhythm.

In the end, Kenny Powers didn’t get what he wanted, but he got what he needed.

He didn’t win baseball, but he did win life. The end.

Credits roll. Besides them, on-set bloopers play in a small box. Hilarious.

…carrots

Kenny Powers: I love you. Look at you, eatin’ all your carrots. Gone.

Toby’s got a goddamn farmers market on his plate over there.

Toby eat your f*ckin’ carrots.

…loan

Kenny Powers: This is the loan I applied for, for the backyard swimming pool.

April Powers: We don’t have money for a pool.

Kenny Powers: That’s why I applied for a loan.

…playlist

Kenny Powers: A super tight playlist could just kinda set the night off right.

Okay. Yeah, cool.

We don’t need a playlist.

I’ll just put the Saturday chillax relaxation mix on.

That should probably translate nicely.

Perfect. I love you. Love you so much.

…sold the most houses

Kenny Powers: I mean, its not like she sold the most houses in the country, it’s just in the region.

Or at her job, in this office, I think.

Not really all the offices.

…cocky with houses

Kenny Powers: Some say.

And some say that the bubble’s already burst, and that it’s going the other way too. Who knows.

April Powers: Who says that?

Kenny Powers: Just the economic reports I’ve been reading, have been talking about that… Just don’t be so cocky with houses, because it could all turn around at any moment.

That’s what I’ve learned.

…impressions

Kenny Powers: You know what? I can do impressions too.

This is your guys’ kid – the one you guys adopted.

This is him. (pulls back eyes)

Hey, you guys don’t look much like my parents. Where are my parents? Where’d my mom and dad go?

Right? This is funny. This is your guys’ kid.

I wish you guys would have left me in Vietnam in the foxhole, instead of taking me here, to be around everyone else.