Chapter 1

…Titanic

Kenny Powers: Y’all named your daughter after f*cking Titanic?

Dustin Powers: That’s Cassie’s favorite movie.

Kenny Powers: Oh, wow. You gotta be f*ckin’ shittin’ me. What’s his name — f*ckin’ Shrek?

…kiss my ass

Kenny Powers Audiobook: I’m the man who has the ball. I’m the man who can throw it faster than f*ck. So that is why i am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my d*ck… everyone.

…real sports

Kenny Powers: I play real sports, not try to be the best at exercising.

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I Play Real Sports. I’m Not Trying To Be the Best at Exercising Shirt

Kenny Powers: I am talking about me. I want — these are questions about me personally as a superstar. You know, you got this moment in time here with an American icon and you’re gonna waste it asking a question about the f*cking mile?

…you ruined baseball

Kid in Gym Class: My dad said you ruined baseball.
Kenny Powers: You know what? I can already tell that I don’t like you. And I’m probably not going to like you no matter how many pull-ups or push-ups you do. If anybody wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him, cause I ain’t watching.

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I Can Already Tell That I Don’t Like You Shirt

…drum major

Stevie Janowski: Yeah, it’s me Stevie. Stevie Janowski… We went to high school together… I was the drum major.

Kenny Powers: What the f*ck is that?

Stevie Janowski: I led the whole marching band. I wore a cape in sophomore year.

…memories in my life

Kenny Powers: I’ve got alotta memories in my life, and sometimes you have to dump the small ones to make room for the bigger ones. But sometimes when you try to dump the smaller ones – you think they’re gone but they’re not. They’re sittin’ there, waiting to pick up exactly where they left off. No matter if there are new memories standing in their way or not.

…mask from Scream

Kenny Powers: Can I wear the Scream mask? The mask from Scream… while I do you from behind?

…jetski

Kenny Powers: This jetski ain’t a goddamn toy!

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Kenny Powers on Panty Dropper Jet Ski

…I can’t stop from yelling

Kenny Powers: I’m Kenny Powers! And I am very upset with how I am acting right now. I just have a very hard time expressing my emotions, and I can’t stop from yelling.

(he keeps yelling)

I’m going to Shh-Booms!

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